What I don’t understand about I’m a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here actually doesn’t involve it’s viewers. Whilst I don’t agree with the general interest people have in seeing past-their-prime famous people eat genitals, I can certainly see the appeal - I mean, humiliating almost-celebrities is a pretty great idea, really. As far as brilliant ideas for a television program can go, I’m a Celebrity is right up there with Big Brother and the X Factor.

You might not think they’re examples of stellar television, but purely from the business point of view it is a brilliant idea. People like to laugh at people. People like to hate people and love people. So a program that enables you to do all three simultaneously is automatically destined to be huge, it’s unavoidable. I’m not a supporter of ‘reality’ television and, in fact, I don’t even agree with calling I’m a Celebrity reality television anyway; where’s the ‘reality’ part? Being vaguely-famous? Swimming through dark, claustrophobic places for stars to earn food? Ant & Dec?

No, it’s far from reality television, really. But anyway, I’ve managed to get sidetracked. I see why the producers want to make it, I see why people want to watch it, but why, in the name of all that is right and good with the world, would anybody want to be on it? These ‘celebrities’ might not be famous anymore or, in fact, really famous at all, but for heaven’s sake, I’m a Celebrity is a horrible thing to do. You get to be watched by millions of judging eyes all the time, you get to eat the bits on animals that their natural predators probably leave alone, you get to face your most horrible fears just so you can scrape together some tacky stars to exchange for decent food, and you do it all with other fading stars who are questionably famous and who you’re probably not going to get on with. So, what is the attraction?

A sudden burst in popularity? Well, maybe for the winner of the game, but for those who get voted out by millions of people, how popular do you think they are? A single argument about something and a large chunk of the planet votes to get you out of the program. Being voted into the program? Great! Now you get to be covered in insects and everything else you find in nightmares all over again! Not to mention having to sleep on uncomfortable ‘beds’ in terrible heat in a pissing jungle. 

Really, it’s retarded. There is no sense in the decision to go onto I’m a Celebrity, you just can’t win. It’s like stabbing yourself in the right leg to avoid being stabbed in the left. Sure, your left leg hasn’t been stabbed, but your fucking right one has.

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ALRIGHT! I’ve had JUST about enough of this!

At quarter to 2 in the afternoon on Thursday the 4th of June, I received an email. Someone, it seemed, had left a comment on one of my posts! Golly!

Here is what it said:

“This site sucks and you all suck for unfollowing all your fans on Twitter. Enjoy life, you lose.”

The comment was attributed to someone calling himself “An Ex-Twitter Follower.”

Oh, why’ve you gotta cut me so deep?

Let me make a few things so fucking clear that there’s never going to be any ambiguity whatsoever.

First off, I don’t run the FaceJolt account. I run the redjolt account. It is my account. I don’t follow any of you people as far as I know. Sorry, but that’s just the way it is. I don’t have the time or the resources to find out who you all are.

Secondly, I really don’t care about people who get upset because someone unfollows them on twitter. The dickhead in question only had 4 followers before we unceremoniously ditched him, so I guess he’s developed some kind of unsettling attachment, but really. He’s bitching about this in the same way that people bitched about “Sachsgate”. And if he’d been following the site he’d know how I felt about that.

The person who commented with this deeply, DEEPLY upsetting remark can be found on twitter here. Maybe you could follow him and fill the deep void that the absence of the FaceJolt team account (which is basically a news feed) has left in his foolish heart. Although if he’s to be believed, he was in prison, so maybe he’s institutionalised. Like that guy in the Shawshank Redemption. But not the one who got anally intruded. The other one. The one that was in Batman. So who knows? Maybe @felonious needs a friend.

But it sure as fuckery isn’t going to be me.

Love and radio waves,

Red.

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Illustration by myself, May 5th 2009.

Things are looking grim for Labour, the BBC live map shows no signs of red, it’s looking incredibly blue right now. Maybe Gordon Brown should leave, give Labour a chance at the general election, he’s on borrowed time now.

Click here to see the BBC Live Map.

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When I started out on Twitter I just used it to follow a few celebrities and people I knew. And to be honest it was a great way to keep in touch on the move and also quite fun. However, as time went on my following increased, mainly due to this site and a few other things. So, in a completely ignorant attempt to keep people happy I went on TweetLater and set it up so that whenever anyone followed me, I’d follow them back - the so called re-follow.

Now, this was meant to be a quite simple thing so that I didn’t not follow anyone who liked the site and wanted to check us out. However what I didn’t quite expect was that people I had absolutely no fucking interest in would start following me. From buxumbabes to internetmarketingscamofdoom to givemeyourpension I was following and being followed by the worst of the worst - the people making twitter a living breathing beast of scam. On top of that, my feed was just rammed fulled of messages updating every few seconds so I couldn’t ever actually read any of the tweets, and definitely not all the ones I wanted to.

So, yesterday I went to untwollow and did what any self-respecting man should do, and unfollowed everyone. For a few minutes I was in bliss, no constant pinging, no random messages popping up - it was perfect. However, a new beast came forth - the angry unfollowed masses. Via DM and email and even posts on this site, there was abuse and questions of “why did you unfollow me”, “your site sucks, unfollowing me sucks, do you hate your fans?”. To those let this be the response - I don’t hate you, I don’t think you’re an idiot and I’ll still respond to @replies - I just couldn’t keep up with the mass of tweets I was seeing day in day out.

If I know you properly, or you really think I should be following you, leave a post below, email me or add me on msn at ben @ facejolt.com and I’ll sort it out!

As they say if social marketing be the song of life, shut up unless I know you.

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The news has been preoccupied with the inevitable crushing collapse of the economical world, tangled up in the mass corruption of our democratic country over expenses and manages to squeeze in some dystopian doom we have running towards us like Paula Radcliffe before she has a wee. But when those topics run dry, time to talk about homosexual penguins.

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After 12 years in ‘production’, it’s finally over. Duke Nukem, our favourite misogynistic, hypermacho action antihero is gone for the forseeable future following the collapse of developers 3D Realms. It seems that they simply ran out of money, which is probably fair enough given that their original aim to “push the limits of gaming and establish new standards in interactivity, variety, and pure fun” was ambitious to say the least.

If, like me, you want to imagine what it might have been like, then read on… Read the rest of this entry »

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First off, CGI things should never have replaced puppets. Secondly, that voice hasn’t been funny since Borat. Thirdly, it insists upon itself that it is funny. And it just isn’t.

So why don’t Compare the Market and Compare the Fucking Meerkat just fuck the fuck off. In fact, fuck right off.

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Yes, Mr. T is going to be paying a visit to  the Nazis (in a game on consoles). A violent visit that will be “packed with the trademark over-the-top adrenaline-pumping action of Mr. T.” Because that is what we all know Mr.T for, other than memes and the Snickers Adverts. Oh, and the A Team. And Rocky 3.

Those poor Nazis. Not only are they evil moronic minions of a psychotic dictator, and not only have they been the enemies in millions of games, but now, just to add more to their despair and general feebleness, they’re going to get beaten up by a man with a mohawk, a beard and more gold than a jeweler’s shop whose very personality has gotten a little stale.

Mr. T is way past his sell-by date. He is the equivalent of an 80 year old man trying to dance night fever in a club whilst trying not to drop his walking stick (and failing miserably on both counts). He thinks he’s cool, and people kinda think he’s cool, but the problem is that both are for completely different reasons. He thinks he’s cool because he is Mr. T, and he pities the fool. People think he’s cool because he used to be in the A Team, was in Rocky 3 and is now in the Snicker’s Adverts (which are hilarious). The fact that his clearly dead career (once a celebrity is only doing adverts for things, they are officially dead celebrities) has taken a dive into gaming is clearly just an attempt to prologue his position in the lukewarm limelight and fail to alleviate our suffering.

‘I pity the fool’ was funny when it first happened, it was funny when Chandler said it in Friends, and it was vaguely amusing when people started saying it online in a reference to a now-washed up almost-celebrity, but it isn’t anymore. The simple fact that Mr. T is still clinging onto the exact same phrases and hooks that he had such a long time ago is, unfortunately, rather sad. Laurence Tureaud (that’s actually his real name) should drop this Mr. T charade and maybe, I don’t know, actually be a normal person. He is 59 years old, for christ’s sake.

Please, Laurence, please just lay the Mr. T persona to rest. Be Laurence Tureaud.

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In Britain we have long suffered from a chronic fear of patriotism. Aided by a former Prime Minister who was viewed by the world as a poodle to the most intellectually feeble President one can imagine, and an Empire that contracted quicker than the genitalia of any man unlucky enough to cast eyes upon Venessa Felts; we have become a nation embarrassed about who are and what we stand for.

In the face of this it has truly warmed me to note the respect for our armed forces which has grown in response to their ongoing, tireless service to our nation. However, today any warmth was destroyed and replaced by icy winds of inhumanity and Draconian when I read of the the shamelessly trivial adjustment to the settlement requirements for Gurkha soldiers who retired before 1997.

In an attempt to ‘improve’ the lot of these brave servicemen, many of whom leave their families to fight for our country, the MoD has extended the criteria so that one must meet only one of the following:

• Three years continuous residence in the UK during or after service

• Close family in the UK

• A bravery award of level one to three

• Service of 20 years or more in the Gurkha brigade

• Chronic or long-term medical condition caused or aggravated by service

Each of these requirements in fundamentally flawed and only serves to further reinforce the image of an ex-Imperialist power unable to rationalise past arrangements with current human rights doctrines. Three years continuous residence is made impossible by deployment. Close family rewards some on a completely discriminatory basis entirely removed from their service which initially entitles them to residency. A bravery reward fails to recognise the constant and selfless service afforded by those who do not have front line roles or those who are ‘unfortunate’ enough not to be placed in dangerous situations. Moreover it requires the Gurkhas to perform over and above the level of other British forces to gain something those forces have by right. Chronic or long-term medical condition shouldn’t lead to greater entitlement but rather greater compensation in terms of pension and one off payments as afforded to other British servicemen – it shouldn’t be used as a barrier to entitlement. Finally, long service is a fair way to qualify someone for residency however the term should be far shorter (5-10 years).

What is required then is a radical new approach to the time honored practice of allowing Gurkhas to serve the United Kingdom. Otherwise this fundamentally British notion will continue to be burdened with racist and discriminatory overtones. Such a shift must be preferred to complete abandonment of the regiment for that would only perform a more unjust service to the brave work done by fallen men and also remove a genuine route out of poverty for some in Nepal. Moreover, as already mentioned it would challenge something fundamentally British which in these time of national ambiguity and international conflict we cannot afford to do.

Source : http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/8014265.stm

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Sparked slightly by Red’s assault on Earth day, I have a question for the world-

WHY THE HELL AREN’T WE FUNDING THIS!?!?!?!?!

Nuclear fusion is, I believe, the future, and the solution to the burgeoning energy crisis.
Sure, I don’t know as much as many, but the argument is blinding.

Fusion in space. sort of.

Take Red’s statistic. Even with the greenest possible modern lifestyle, we still need multiple Earths to support the energy needs of civilization based on fossil fuel use. Read the rest of this entry »

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